| Stuck in Failure? Find the Teachable Moment - Parents Are Teachers… Whether We Like It Or Not! |
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 We've all failed in life at times. And most of us have noticed some success. But when we've failed-and especially at something important-how can we turn it around? What if we've failed at something really basic like learning to read or handling our money? The experience usually colors our fundamental sense of who we are.
We say to ourselves, "I'm not a reader," or "I'm not a money person," or even, "I'm not a teacher!" And then, guess what... we're not. The power of our own creative thought has been turned against us, against the very things we are trying to accomplish, and we don't usually think we have any choice about it. This process is one most parents watch their child go through in relation to some things that are just not the child's forté. But what if the child has trouble with things you know he or she is going to need to function in the adult world? It may be hard not to panic, criticize, manipulate or punish and condemn. We usually try to find someone to blame: the child is lazy, the teachers don't care, the other parent isn't doing enough, or we think we ourselves are the culprit somehow. As a teacher of adults learning financial skills, and as a mother of a boy overcoming learning disabilities, I am familiar with the suffering that goes with being stuck in a sense of failure. Many of the adults I teach were once in the same position that my son is in right now. Most of us can remember some time when we had trouble "getting it." Until we overcome that failure somehow, it can leave us feeling smaller, cramped, and depressed or angry. We want to run away. When you love someone who is going through this, you wish there was something you could do to help. Parents are the first informal teachers children experience. Burton White, who conducted a 13-year study at Harvard on how children develop in the first six years of life, noted, "In our studies...we came to believe that the informal education that families provide for their children makes more of an impact on a child's total education than the formal educational system." 1 As parents, we can put our energy into maximizing the teachable potential with our children in each new moment as it comes, no matter what age the child may be. With my son's and my adult students' experiences guiding me, I have found that there is a way to turn even repeated failures into success. The key is to not to give in to fear or frustration and give up. This requires fully accepting the difficulty of the present moment, while still holding fast to a desired goal, with teacher and student working together rather than blaming, fighting or resenting. It requires continuing to believe in the learner and his or her ability to find the path through their challenges, no matter what. Being a teacher for your child may mean opening your mind to new, creative, perhaps even seemingly-crazy ways of learning that could work better for your child, and encouraging the child to discover his or her own learning "secrets." When my son was younger, we played a game with a ball to learn math facts, and often jumped on a rebounder to let out excess energy and to instill a sense of rhythm into the learning process. I learned that tapping, and music that was distracting to me, actually helped my son focus his mind. How did I learn these keys? By listening to him, without blame, and by letting go of the idea that he should be like me or some other learner. Most effective learning happens when the goal is clearly connected to a compelling desire, chosen by the learner and respected by the teacher. I always ask my students, "What do you want to get out of this class...why are you here?" It is up to the parent or teacher to help a child discover how each learning goal connects with something the learner really wants, or the best teaching in the world will likely fall upon deaf ears. When we choose to honor our child's free will and true heart's desires, and we learn to gracefully engage them in their own learning process, things can improve significantly! We cannot skip over these steps because we don't know what to say, nor can we just repeat a standard "rap" and hope to get anywhere. "Force-feeding" information or criticizing, even when well-intentioned, can leave a learner feeling bullied. To help children find a sense of joy in learning that inspires them to keep coming back for more, we must listen carefully, engage in genuine dialogue, and think creatively. We must be concerned about the person and be determined to understand his or her unique learning process. Learning always takes place in a "teachable moment." When we fail at something, it is often because we are not ready to learn it. Readiness involves awareness (the ability to grasp relevance), skills, developmental capacities (brain functioning at the appropriate level), emotional availability, and a degree of physical well-being. Readiness has to do with anything that could conceivably interfere with a learner's ability and interest in focusing fully on the topic of learning. This often includes a learner's home life, significant relationships, thought habits, sense of personal security and anything else that could divert his or her attention and concern. The experience of being pressured to learn something when we are not ready can make us think there is something wrong with us rather than wrong with the method or timing of our attempts to learn. And once we decide that something is wrong with us, we tend to stop trying. Thinking we are the problem makes everything much harder. It's a terrible burden to bear. As parents wanting to be the best teachers we can for our children, we can prepare ourselves by first learning from them. This means letting go of assumptions and judgments about our child, and gathering fresh insights about who our child is, who our child thinks they are, and any ways that our child does learn most easily. To find each teachable moment, we must start with appreciation for the person who is trying to learn, as opposed to focusing on the curriculum, method, subject, skills or information. Enthusiasm for the topic is critical, but it can never take the place of appreciating the learner and fostering a sense of vital, thriving communication. A gifted teacher helps learners gain the knack of recognizing their own teachable moments, and helps build a pattern of self-confidence by amplifying each success. Awareness of how we learn best is invaluable, powerful knowledge, and ignites the desire to learn; mixed with just the right amount of challenge and alertness stimulated by facing something new and unknown, it is the perfect recipe for a teachable moment. 1 Dancy, Rahima Baldwin. You are Your Child's First Teacher. Celestial Arts, Berkeley, CA. 1989. Author G. Renee Getreu is passionate about helping children learn. In addition to being a mother, she is a professional business and personal transformation counselor, and adult financial skills instructor. |
March 2010
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