Special Friendships - Fostering Friendships Between Special Needs and Typically Developing Children

At my daughter Laurel's sixth birthday party, I smiled as I watched her introduce her friend Jackson, who she had known since she was a toddler, to her new friends from school. Within a few minutes, Jackson was happily playing with blocks while the other kids played racecars nearby. When I noticed that the noise level was starting to make Jackson agitated, I helped him move the blocks to a quieter room and encouraged Laurel to play with him.

When Jackson was diagnosed with autism a few years earlier, I worried about how I would explain it to Laurel. I decided to follow Laurel's lead and wait for a good opportunity to arise. One day she asked why Jackson didn't talk to her like her other friends. I explained to her that different things were harder for some people than others, and that talking to people and making friends was harder for Jackson than it was for her. Throughout the years, Jackson's mother and I had often commented about how much both of our children enjoyed the time that they spent together despite their different communication styles.

Benefits of Friendship

Upper California programs and organizations providing opportunities & experiences for typical and special needs children together

Sunshine Kids Club in Chico
(www.sunshinekidsclub.org); 568 Manzanita Ave #7, (530) 776-5095. Promotes activities for all kids to participate in, both special needs & typical. Dance program, wheelchair basketball (for ALL kids), biking, music jam and more.

Shasta Disabled Sports USA
(www.shastadsusa.org); (530) 925-1531. Offers many fun outdoor activities year-round that special needs kids and their friends can participate in, such as rock climbing, skiing, snowshoeing, fishing, rafting, camping & more.

Rowell Family Empowerment of Northern California in Redding (www.rfenc.org); (530) 226-5129. Promotes inclusive activities throughout Shasta County, including "Making Friends" Puppet Presentations (for schools), a summer Get S.E.T. (Social & Emotional Training) program in which typical peer mentors work with children with autism, and an inclusive Teens Group that meets monthly in Anderson.

Sign Say & Play classes are designed for parents and their babies of varying abilities to build community, learn signs, engage in sensory-motor activities and play! Visit www.babysignsprogram.com/withheather or call Heather for more info: (530) 605-3393.

Special Annual Event

Focus Film Festival in Chico features films offering insights into the lives of individuals with special gifts and needs. Great opportunity for families with children of all abilities to gain insight, and to be inspired and informed. Info: Far Northern Regional Center (www.farnorthernrc.org); (530) 222-4791 ex. 3430.

When children with special needs and typically developing children become friends at school, church or through after school activities, both children benefit from the friendship. When parents notice the friendship blooming, they should encourage the friendship as they would any other childhood friendship by setting up play dates and getting together outside of school.

If you have any questions, be sure to ask questions of the parent with the special needs child. Most parents are happy to explain their child's issues and welcome the opportunity to provide information.

Children often notice the differences less than adults. "Fostering new and diverse friendships may seem a bit scary but the truth is that children (both kids and teens) are so much more accepting than we think," says Dr. Peter Faustian, President-elect of the New York Association of School Psychologists (NYASP).

Kaye Haas remembers how her son Tim, who has Down Syndrome, would help comfort his typically developing friends on the school bus when they were sad. When one of his friends was sick, he would make them a get-well card, and always remembered their birthdays. Through the years, she has noticed how much confidence he gained through his friendships and how much he enjoyed the time spent with friends.

Focus on the similarities instead of the differences

Parents of typically developing children often wonder how to explain their friend's special needs to their child. Focus on the similarities between the two children instead of the differences. Answer any questions in a factual and age-appropriate way.

Encourage the kids to bond over common interests, such as sports, books, music and games. If an activity is going to be challenging for the special needs child, steer the children to an activity that both kids can participate in. Many parents are surprised at how naturally the kids bond and select activities that they are both interested in.

A few years ago, Kaitlynn, a young girl who uses a wheelchair, joined the 4H club with Jan Udlock's children. At first her kids were apprehensive because of they did not understand the wheelchair and how it worked. Her kids were curious about Kaitlynn's condition, and why she needed the wheelchair. Kaitlynn's mother shared about her daughter's health and showed the kids how the wheelchair worked. Udlock's children quickly became comfortable and spent a lot of time with Kaitlynn at the club's events.

Practical advice for play dates

A great way to encourage the friendship is to have the children get together outside of school or their shared activities.

Barbara Boroson, licensed master's-level social worker and mother of a child on the autism spectrum, suggests that parents of both typically developing and special needs children role play with their children before the play date. "Take a few minutes to guide your child toward considering his or her friend's interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes," says Boroson.

Talk to the parent of the special needs child before the play date to see if they have any suggestions that may help the play date go smoothly, such as certain activities that the child enjoys. Be sure to ask about any allergies or medical conditions that you should be aware of.

Boroson says that sharing can often be an issue for younger children during play dates. "Some children with special needs keep very careful track of certain toys and accessories, and cannot tolerate anyone touching, moving or changing them," says Boroson. "Before another child comes to play, it can be helpful to suggest that your child put away any toys he feels he cannot share and know that any toys he leaves out must be shared fully."

If the play date does not go as planned, remember play dates with two typically developing children do not always go smoothly. Brainstorm with the other parent about ideas to help the next play date go better, such as meeting at a quieter location or meeting at a different time of day.

Haas encourages parents of both special needs and typically developing children to encourage friendships between their children. "The friends that Tim has made through the years have made his life whole. His friends have brought so much joy to his life."

Jennifer Gregory is the mom of two kids and three dogs. She hopes that Laurel and Jackson will be friends for many years to come.